I guess it had to happen. One of the reasons for the title of this blog is that there are times when things get a bit much, when the stress levels start to become less manageable, and the dark pit of despair opens up in front on me threatening to swallow me whole. I have said before that I don't consider that I suffer from depression. I have depression, but most of the time I don't suffer, it is just part of who I am. However there are these times, fortunately becoming more frequent when the coping strategies start to fail. So, for all of you out there who have similar experiences, and for those who don't but perhaps know people who do, here are a few of the things that I have learned over the years.
The first is that if I allow myself to really sink the first thing that goes is my drive to get out of bed in the morning. I've never been much of a morning person anyway, but on my down days it is a nightmare, and is usually a good indicator that something is wrong. When I spot this I find that sleeping with the curtains open in such a way that I get the morning sun on my face can make a difference, both in terms of making me get up to avoid the glare, and in terms of giving me a little boost of warmth. The next thing to go is my appetite. You wouldn't think it to look at me, but my appetite is extremely fragile, and again when I am down I can go days without remembering to eat. Of course doing this only makes the situation worse as no food means no energy and the depression just gets worse. here again, knowing that this is an indicator of further deterioration helps because if I spot it, I can make myself eat by diarising specific mealtimes, pre-making meals that I know I will like and generally looking after myself a little better.
Sometimes these signals get missed, or pass so quickly that I don't have time to deal with them, and sometimes the solutions don't work well enough, or don't at quickly enough, so for me, stage three is when I start to beat myself up more than usual. I start blaming myself for the most ridiculous things over which I can have no control, and at this point I am already too deeply into a depressive episode to pull myself out easily. Knowing that this is a possibility, and knowing that I have a "safe space" that in these circumstances I will use - my airing cupboard - I have put a poster up in the space reminding myself of personal matras that I have trained my mind to latch on to to pull myself back up, personal images that I know help me to feel better, and personal mottos that give me strength.
The key for me is in being prepared. Accepting that depressive episodes will happen and acknowledging that by having strategies clearly in place I can take some measure of control over my condition, which in itself tends to be helpful. I hate the idea that I am a burden on others, and detest the idea that I need other people to support me, so being able to help myself is a big step forward. Some people need that extra support and that is fine too, but for me, relying on others only ever makes me worse.
I hope that this little article helped, and would welcome suggestions or feedback from those with depression, and those who know, and help those with depression......
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